Understanding Grief and Loss
Grief is a deeply personal response to loss. Although grief is often associated with the death of someone we love, it can also follow the end of a relationship, changes in health, redundancy, retirement or other significant changes in our lives.
There is no single or “correct” way to grieve. People can experience grief in very different ways, and feelings may change from day to day. There is also no timetable for grief and no particular sequence of emotions that everyone needs to experience.
What are the five stages of grief?
You may have heard grief described in terms of five stages: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. This framework is widely known and can sometimes provide useful language for some of the feelings people experience following a loss.
However, grief does not normally follow a neat series of stages. You may experience some of these feelings, all of them or none of them. They may appear in a different order, return at different times or overlap with one another. The five stages are best understood as one way of describing possible experiences of grief rather than a set path that everyone must follow.
Denial
After a significant loss, it can sometimes be difficult to take in what has happened. You may feel numb, shocked or as though the situation isn’t quite real. These feelings can give us time to begin processing a reality that may initially feel overwhelming.
Anger
Anger can be a natural response to loss. You might feel angry about what happened, with other people, with yourself, or simply with the unfairness of the situation. Sometimes anger sits alongside other feelings such as sadness, fear, guilt or helplessness.
Bargaining
Following a loss, it is common to find ourselves thinking about what might have happened differently. Thoughts such as “if only…” or “what if…” can arise as we try to make sense of something we cannot change. These thoughts may also be accompanied by feelings of guilt or regret.
Depression and deep sadness
Grief can bring periods of profound sadness, loneliness and emptiness. You may have less energy, find everyday activities more difficult or withdraw from other people. Grief can be extremely painful, but everyone’s experience is different and there is no particular feeling you are required to have.
Acceptance
Acceptance doesn’t mean forgetting someone, approving of what happened or no longer feeling sadness. It can mean gradually recognising that the loss has happened and beginning to find ways of living with that reality. This may develop slowly and can exist alongside continuing feelings of grief.
Grief isn’t a checklist
The five stages can be useful for understanding some experiences of grief, but they are not a checklist and there is no requirement to “complete” one stage before moving to another. Grief can change over time, and difficult feelings may return unexpectedly even after periods when life has felt more manageable.
What matters is not whether your grief fits a particular model, but how the loss is affecting you and what support may be helpful for you.
Support for grief and bereavement
Grief can be difficult to carry alone. If you’re experiencing a bereavement or another significant loss, counselling can provide a private and supportive space to talk about what you’re going through at your own pace.
Ann has a Diploma in Grief and Bereavement Counselling and offers counselling and psychotherapy from Cara Counselling in East Galway, near Loughrea, Kiltulla and Athenry.